Early findings from a study of humanist funerals has found that nowadays there is a strong emphasis among mourners on celebrating the individuality and uniqueness of the deceased person, in contrast to the more traditional focus on the afterlife. It suggests that funeral directors need to take more account of the needs of the non-religious at funerals.
Now I am all for giving people what they need at a difficult time, especially when they are fumbling their way forward through a fog of grief. But I’m not sure that inclusion of the hope of an after-life is really what’s wrong with the traditional funeral. Nor am I convinced that a humanist alternative goes much of the way towards solving the ‘problem’ of the contemporary funeral.
In one sense it’s curious for the study to link the ‘after-life’ with the traditional funeral. Some religious traditions don’t believe in it at all; some Jews in Jesus’ day certainly didn’t. It’s a hazy notion that doesn’t appear much in the Old Testament, and it never really reached the colourful heaven and hell version until the Middle Ages. And in fact, mainstream Christianity doesn’t believe in its popular version either: nowhere in the New Testament does it ever say that when you die you go to heaven. Instead, we are told to expect a future resurrection of the body, but not until the whole of the created world is re-created at the same time. Go to an old village church in England, and look at the gravestones on the south side (the oldest ones): the graves will all be facing east, their occupants awaiting the bodily resurrection. One thing is sure, they have not yet achieved this version of the ‘after-life’.
What’s more, Anglican funeral services since the 1970s have shifted away from an emphasis on ‘meeting your Maker’ to a more pastoral concern for the mourners themselves. True, this is still a long way from the humanist ideal of celebrating the ‘individuality and uniqueness’ of the deceased person, but inexperienced clergy do quickly discover that mourners are not thinking primarily about themselves at a funeral – but about their loved one. I wonder if the humanist and religious services are so different after all.
So has the humanist funeral found the answer to a more inclusive, authentic ending? Or is it in danger of creating an ersatz version of a rite which, for all its failings, has been hammered into shape on the anvil of human grief for more than two millennia?
The problem with making the ‘individuality and uniqueness’ of the dead person the focus of the rite, is that it freights the poor dead person with the responsibility of having a life of sufficient meaning and depth to do justice to the great theme of death. And, let’s face it, most of us live lives that are simply too mundane to carry this freight. Endless playing of ‘My Way’ after every funeral has all the gravity and glory of a bald, fat man pretending to be David Beckham scoring for England – but his way. Many celebrants at funerals, I suspect, are scraping around to find much, beyond platitudes, that’s worth repeating. Some mourners fall back on internet searches to try to find apt words that will say something special about their loved one – but the torrent of lachrymose doggerel that so often pours from the lectern suggests they might have been better using their own words.
Funerals do have to deal with the question of where the loved one has gone – and of course there will be different answers to that. But they also have to deal with the body, and with the grief. In this sense, modern funerals, whether humanist or religious, are in some kind of a crisis.
The basic problem is that it all happens so quickly – indeed, so slickly. We don’t get to see the dead person nowadays, let alone fall upon the body, or kiss it. More often than not we enter a crematorium for just 25 minutes, and, amidst the wood veneer and tassled burgundy velour, we say our good-byes. The ritual seems fake: a hymn is sung, a prayer said; unctious professionals bow in po-faced silence toward the coffin; the box is wheeled behind a curtain; the curtain closes and is sucked inward as the deceased descends to the furnace. The congregation depart.
The afterlife? Well, we just don’t know. The body? It has been dealt with after a fashion, swept under the curtain. And the grief?
In other societies mourning is given weeks or months to unfold; bodies are left above ground for years until the bones have whitened, and only then are buried. The process of saying good-bye is a long one. I think the main problem with contemporary funerals is not that they are too heavenly – or too mundane for that matter. It is simply that they are just too short.



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